I told her that there were days to where I was unsure as to whether or not I could prevent myself from literally grabbing my things and walking out. I used to experience those days only occasionally however now they were growing with an uninhibited frequency. What used to be far and few between was now at least every other day.
I knew I still had a blockage, and I knew that blockage was throwing a huge monkey wrench into the deal. I would sometimes picture myself 10 years down the road, stuck in the same story, thinking about how those in which I had shared my journey had moved on to bigger and better things. I begin to think that the true reason must somehow mean that I did not feel worthy enough to live a life of true fulfillment.
I told her about how I knew I couldn’t live a life stuck within the same story, and that I wasn’t certain as to what my options would be. I felt as if I had no one to really speak to about this, no one who would really understand. There had not yet been another to fulfill the shoes of that confidant, that mentor in my previous city. I felt as if the move while good in many ways, had stripped me of that gift. I knew another would come along in due time, but when? When would I be able to experience what I knew I was destined for?
In the back of my mind, I knew I was consumed with the details. In fact, I was often so consumed that I began to see how I was so often getting in my own way. It was almost as if I was on a road trip in the passenger seat of the car. For instance, I was aware that the driver knew the route. In fact, he knew the route better than anyone yet, I decided to keep butting in for some reason. I kept throwing him off by trying to take control. “Go here!” I’d yell one moment. “Wait, go there!” I’d decide the next minute.
It doesn’t work that way. It never has and it never will. We will never be able to enjoy the journey until we finally realize that we must be able to sit back and enjoy the ride. No one said that the ride wouldn’t happen without the occasional pot hole in the road. No one said that the journey would be linear, an easy straight line from Point A to Point B. What we can do however is trust. We can “be still and know”. We can lay our seat back and drift off into an easy, restful sleep knowing that the driver knows perfectly well where he or she is going and that when we get there, we’ll realize that each and every pot hole made perfect sense.